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General items of military humour, mostly NOT politically correct. |
| Now that all forms of sexual discrimination have been removed from the Army, the ranks are attracting all sorts. At the Puckapunyal Military Camp recently a drill sergeant had a squad of recruits lined up on the parade ground. "From the right, number!" bawled the sergeant. "One!" "Two!" "Three!" "Four!" "One!" "Hold it, hold it right there!" screamed the sergeant. "You! You 'orrible dozy idle little man, you! You're not One, are you?" "Yeth" lisped the recruit. "Are you one, too?" |
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Australia's Air Defence in the 21st Century |
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A range of humorous signs on sale to US personnel. All non official. |
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Yasser
Arafat was a known terrorist for much of his life.
Later in life he supported and encouraged terrorists, particularly suicide bombers. Part of the belief is that a suicide bomber becomes a holy martyr, goes straight to Paradise where 72 virgins await him. This image refers to that. The story below, about Osama bin Larden is also based on that belief. |
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After
getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.
There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He delivers a kick to Osama's knee. Osama is subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurls him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!" An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?" |
| The RSM of an Air Force Training base had 20 young Officers to train. He was not impressed with them, at all. He explained life to them this way. "Gentlemen, because you are Officers, I will call you "Sir". Because I am the RSM you will call me "Sir". "The only difference is, you will mean it and I won't". |
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Malaysia 1969. I am a Rifleman/Stretcher
Bearer (now called Combat Medic). I had just returned from 14 days in the
J with my Platoon. I am looking forward to lots of beer and a girl or two
and some proper food. The Boss calls me up to tell me that I have to do an
immediate turnaround and go back into the J for another 14 days with
another Platoon. I am NOT HAPPY. Guess what. That Platoon has a brand new
Duntroon graduate 2Lt on his first trip into the bush in Malaysia. He ran
the Platoon ragged, charging up mountainsides (bloody steep in Malaysia)
just for the sake of showing that he was "the man". After 4 days
I disliked him, after 10 days I hated him and the rest of the Platoon did
likewise.
Towards the end he came to me with crotch rot. Now normally I would advise a "new boy" about Whitfield's Ointment (benzoic acid) and tell him to use it sparingly and be ready for the pain but it was PAYBACK TIME. I tossed this bloke a full, new tube of Whitfield's and said "Here, smear this on and don't miss anything". He used nearly the whole tube (10 times as much as required) and applied it to EVERYTHING he had hanging or in the area. When the pain hit him it was a pretty sight. He did not know whether he was punched, bored, drilled or stapled. He was in agony. When we got back to camp he tried to have me charged. "Can't do, sorry" was the reply he got from my boss, the Medical Officer, a doctor. "It was the correct ointment and self administered". He now hates me. We are even. |
| As
he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them
was marching out of step. Going to the man as they marched, he said
sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?" "What?" asked the recruit innocently. "I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant. "Well, Sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!" |
| A
lieutenant was out walking one day, and came upon a little boy, playing
with a pile of s**t. "Son,
what are you doing?" asked the lieutenant. "I'm
building an NCO," said the boy. The lieutenant, thinking this was
quite funny, returned with his captain, and asked the same question.
Again, the boy replied that he was building an NCO.
The
captain, also thinking it was funny, went back to the company area, and
brought the first sergeant out. Again the question was asked, and the
reply was the same. The first sergeant then asked the boy why he was
building an NCO. |
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The Battle of TRAFALGAR (1805) by 2005 Rules |
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The most decisive naval battle in history. However, against all naval conventions, Admiral Nelson (in a prearranged plan) divided his fleet into two squadrons and attacked the center of the Franco-Spanish line at right angles. This meant exposing the English ships to the massive broadsides of the enemy. At 11:50 AM, Nelson, on board the H.M.S. Victory, signaled his famous message: "England expects that every man will do his duty." Then, after his southern squadron, led by Admiral Cuthbert Collingwood in the Royal Sovereign, had engaged the Franco-Spanish line, Nelson began to return fire against Villeneuve's ship, the Bucentaure. |
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From here, the English ships broke through
and offered numerous broadsides of their own. By 5:00 pm the battle was
over and the Franco-Spanish fleet was shattered. Villeneuve himself was
captured, and his fleet surrendered some 20 ships to the English fleet. In
addition, 14,000 men were lost, half of whom were prisoners of war, while
1,500 British seamen were killed or wounded. Only 11 ships reached Cadiz
while no English ship was destroyed. But the English did not escape
unscathed. At 1:15 PM, while the H.M.S. Victory was engaging the
Redoubtable, Nelson was struck in the spine by a sniper and was carried
below to die. However, when he did succumb to his injury at 4:30 PM, he
was certain that the English had won the day.
The battle of Trafalgar can be considered the most decisive naval battle, both tactically and strategically, in history. It not only eliminated Napoleon's plans to invade England, but had also destroyed French naval power and ensured the dominance of the British navy throughout the world. |
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Having just moved into his
new office wagon, a pompous new colonel was at his desk when a soldier
knocked on the door.
Conscious of his position, the colonel
picked up the phone, told the signaller to enter, then said into the
handset: "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll
pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good
wishes, sir." |
