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| Category: Humour |
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The 1967 Digger's Book of
Humour |
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| This was a
fund raiser booklet but whether it was actually created by and/or for Ex
Servicemen is debatable. |
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DAFFY - NISHUNS |
| ATOMIC MEAL: |
Nuclear soup. Fission chips. |
| MARRIED LIFE: |
A community consisting of a husband, wife and two slaves, making In all, two. |
| MOUTH
ORGAN PLAYER: |
A person who lives a hand to mouth existence.
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| SATELLITE: |
A nation that is defeated and doesn't know it. |
| BARE FACTS: |
There is one thing about being baldheaded;
it's neat. |
| EARITATION: |
Rock 'n Roll music. |
| COCKTAIL: |
An ice cube with an alcohol rub. |
| GOSSIPS: |
People who chin and bare it. |
| DOG FIGHT: |
A sport where the participants shake tails and come out biting. |
| MILK
BAR ATTENDANT: |
A
fizzician. |
| DON'T TELL HER: |
Women live longer than men but dye younger. |
| ARTIST: |
A person who usually gets a good figure for his
work |
| ROAD HOG: |
A person who drives safely when he knows the policeman is following him. |
| MIDDLE AGE: |
When you're more interested to see how far your car will go instead of how fast it will go. |
| MODEL HUSBAND: |
A person who thinks his wife's headache is
as important as his own rheumatism. |
| SHEER EXTRAVAGANCE: |
Neck-tie on a nudist. |
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CHANGE OF SCENERY |
"How do you like my new dress, Horace?" enquired Henni, "I bought it on the
installment plan."
"Better take it back and get a few more installments," said Horace, "we're going to a respectable party tonight."
"But," continued Henni, "Do I look well in it?"
"I'll say you do," Horace assured her, "but I wish you would get into it a little bit further." |
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CLOTHING |
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NO JOKE-R |
Padre: "Well, there's no doubt about it, Mrs. Henshead, young Sebastian is a bright little boy. Can he count?"
Sebastian: "1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Jack, Queen, King, Ace." |
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CHECKED |
Down at the camp during a brief spell from duties, a bunch of Aussies were discussing the power of influence.
"Yes," said Pte. Henshead, "you don't catch any politicians' sons in this man's army."
"That's just where you're wrong, Pte. Henshead," said a deep voice behind him. "I'm a politician's son and I'm doing my bit just like all you blokes."
They all turned around to identify the new comer.
"Yes Colonel " they said.
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EUCHRED |
The Camp Padre called at the Henshead home on a Sunday afternoon. Young Sebastian came to the door.
"Dad isn't here,' he said. "He's over at the golf club."
The Padre looked grave and Sebastian went on to explain. "He never went to play golf, Padre. Oh no, not on a Sunday. He just goes over there for a few beers and to play
a little poker."
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PENNIES MAKE POUNDS |
Sebastian: "Hey Mum, are the McTavish's very poor people?"
Henni: "What on earth makes you ask such a question?"
Sebastian: "Well, Mum, I was just around at their place and they were making a terrible fuss just because the new baby had swallowed a
penny."
(A penny was a large, small value coin) |
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A MYSTERY |
"Sebastian," said the pretty young teacher, "what is meant by the word 'relax'?
"I don't know," mumbled Sebastian.
"Well, then, what does your father do during his weekend leave from camp?" hinted the teacher helpfully.
"That's what mum's trying to find out," answered Sebastian |
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CORNY |
Henni: "Shall we tango or foxtrot, dear?"
Horace: "It's all the same to me, dear."
Henni: "So I've noticed."
Horace: "Well, I'll have you know Henni, I've got dancing blood in my veins."
Henni: "Well your circulation is certainly slow. It hasn't
reached your feet yet." |
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A TRIER |
Now Mrs. Henshead met an old flame at a local party
and decided to put him firmly in his place.
Sorry," she murmured sweetly when the hostess, Priscilla McTavish, introduced him, "I'm afraid I didn't quite catch your name."
"I know you didn't," replied the old soldier, "but you tried hard enough." |
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WANTED KNOWN |
Young Sebastian brought home a note from his teacher. "Dear Mrs. Henshead," it began, "Sebastian Is a bright little boy but he won't do his homework and spends all his time talking to the girls. I am trying to think up a way to cure him."
Mrs. Henshead studied the note, then wrote the teacher as follows: "Dear Miss
Dillberry, if you find a way to cure Sebastian, please let me know. I'm having the same trouble with his father." |
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MOURNING AFTER |
Nursing a terrific headache, Pte. Horace Henshead, the penitent husband, approached Henni at the breakfast table and said: "I suppose you are angry with me Henni because I was late home last night with a black eye?"
"No, Horace," replied Henni, continuing to eat her breakfast. When you came home last night you didn't have a black eye."
"Well, for the fiftieth time," Horace continued, "I wasn't out gambling with the boys last night.'
"Is that so," retorted Henni, "then why have you shuffled the toast and dealt me five slices?"
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TEAM WORK |
| "I want a birthday present for my young son Sebastian," announced Henni
striding into the local toyshop. "Preferably something that works on a table top. His father is too overweight to stand much kneeling." |
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TOO OLD? |
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HEARD THIS ONE? |
Jimmy came home from school one day sobbing his little heart out. His mother asked him what was the matter, to which he replied, "Oh, Mum, all the kids at school have been teasing me all day calling out 'Big-head,' and all the way home they followed me and kept calling out
'Pumpkin-nut,' 'Pumpkin-nut.' "
His mother comforted him and told him that it wasn't true. Trying to get his mind off the incident, she asked him to go to the local store for her and bring home 10 lbs. of potatoes and 4 lbs. of onions. Jimmy asked for a bag to bring them home in. After looking for something, his mother said, "I'm sorry, Jimmy, I just can't find one. Why don't you carry them home in your hat?" |
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HARD DRINKER |
Smithy, a bachelor, had visited his married niece, and had been shown the new baby. Next day his friends asked him to describe the new arrival.
"Well," he replied, "very small features, clean-shaven, red faced and a
desperately hard drinker. |
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AGAINST THE LAW |
A city lawyer was astounded by a client who bounced into his office, purple-faced.
"I've been getting threatening letters," he said.
"We can soon stop that," the lawyer assured him. "It's against the law. Who's been writing them?"
"The Income Tax Department!" |
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BY GUM |
Never had any woman with so large a mouth and never
the dental chair had any patient opened her mouth so wide as Henni did in
"Stop. That's far enough," said the dentist, "I'm stopping outside, if you don't mind, Mrs. Henshead."
After the ordeal was over, Henni was on her way home when she met her friendly enemy, Priscilla McTavish.
"New teeth, eh," said Prissie. "How long have you had them?"
"Oh, ever since the last decayed, (decade)" retorted Henni. |
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UNDEFEATED |
Horace: "So sorry I am late, Henni dear, but we had a drinking competition at the canteen before I left camp this evening."
Henni: "Are you telling me. Who ran second?" |
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HANGOVER? |
- Breathes there a man who lays in bed,
- And never to himself has said:
- "This is my own, my aching head,
- I wish I had stuck to milk instead."
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MONEY |
- We call to mind those dear old friends
- Who share our lives substantially
- We'd hate to leave them all behind
- Except of course, financially.
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POLITE? |
Henni: "You must admit Horace, there are two
things I really make well - Pancakes and trifle."
Horace: "Oh yes, my dear, and which is this supposed
to be? |
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PLEASANT SURPRISE |
Sebastian: "Hey, Mum, come outside quick. Dad has fainted on the lawn. He has a piece of paper in his hand and a large box by his side."
Henni: "Oh, goody goody. My new hat has arrived."
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FIRST EDITION |
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Henni Henshead entered a bookshop in Melbourne and said to the pretty assistant.
"I want a book for my nephew, please?"
"Certainly," said the girl, "any special subject?"
"Well," said Henni, "he's just started work as a railway porter and I want to help him make a success of it. I think I'll send him this book."
"Hints on Platform Speaking." |
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FALSE FAULTS |
Sebastian Henshead came home from school one day
sobbing his little heart out. Henni asked him what was the matter, to which he replied, "Oh, Mum, all the kids at school
have been teasing me all day calling out 'Big-head,' and all the way home they followed me and kept calling out 'Pumpkin-nut,' 'Pumpkin-nut."'
Henni comforted him and told him that it wasn't true, Trying to get his mind off the incident, she asked him to go to the local store for her and bring home 10 lbs. of potatoes and 4 lbs. of onions. Sebastian asked for a bag to bring them home in. After looking for something, Henni said, "I'm sorry, Sebastian, I just can't find one. Why don't you carry them home in your hat?" |
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Webmasters note. This
double up of an earlier joke is how it appeared in the book. |
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FOOD |
- The waitress brought my favourite dish,
- And hovering near fulfilled each wish;
- The food was swell - the service great;
- The check was small beside my plate;
- I paid the money, my smile did beam
- Then I woke up - Oh what a dream.
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EVIDENCE |
Priscilla: "Good morning, Henni, did Horace go to the unit dinner last night?"
Henni: "Oh, yes, he went all right."
Priscilla: "And did he deliver his speech?"
Henni: "He must have done, Prissie; he was speechless when he came home." |
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SILENCE IS GOLDEN |
Angus: "Did Henni have a go at you when you got home from the Unit Re-Union, last night, Horace?"
Horace: "Never said a word, Angus. I was going to have my front teeth out anyway." |
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WHICH WITCH |
| Pte. Horace Henshead was home on leave for the weekend. He liked to laze around the house on a Saturday morning. so we find him quietly resting in a lounge chair, when Henni, hair out of place and dishevelled, entered the room.
"Hello, hello, hello," she said, take it from here, and
find yourself something to do outside," she continued irritably.
Why, Henni, my dear, are you going to do some house work?" asked Horace placidly.
"Well," she said glaringly, "what do you think I am holding this broom for?"
"Well, the way you look at the moment, Henni dear, I thought you were going to ride it."
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LOOKS GOOD |
Horace: "Why on earth do you keep pulling that queer face?"
Henni: "The doctor told me to keep a stiff upper lip and keep smiling." |
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NO BETTER |
| A bush doctor found that many patients were wasting his time with trivial
complaints. He decided to put a stop to this. A man rang, asking the doctor to visit his wife. The doctor said:
"I've checked my files. She's not sick; she only thinks she's sick."
The husband rang a fortnight later. "How's your
wife?" asked the doctor.
"Worse. Now she thinks she's dead!" |
|
OWING |
| "And if I want to see you again, where shall I find you?"
"In debt." |
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MULISH |
Officer: "Has that mule ever kicked you, my man?"
Sambo: "No, suh, he ain't never yet. But he frequently has kicked where ah
recently was." |
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IT KILLED THE KAT |
During her spring cleaning Henni Henshead was cleaning out Horace's lowboy when she noticed some letters in feminine handwriting. On his return home from the Camp, on week-end leave, Henni asked him who the letters were from.
"My dear," said Horace, "What do you want to know for."
"There you go again," snapped Henni, "why do I want to know. You would be the most nosy person I have ever met." |
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FAULTS |
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TEED INDEED |
Henni Henshead caught her husband. Horace, crawling through the front door late at night.
"Horace!" she exclaimed, "what on earth have you been doing?"
"Playing golf," Horace replied with a silly giggle.
"But how could you play in the dark?" said Henni.
"Ah, yes," agreed Horace, "but we used night clubs." |
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BOTTLE OPENER |
Mrs. McTavish: "Good evening, Henni. I wonder if you have a bottle opener?"
Henni: "So sorry Prissie. Horace is not home from camp
yet. |
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TIMING |
| Late to bed and early to rise
makes a man baggy under the eyes. |
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WARNED |
Henni: "Sebastian! Never let me hear you use that word again."
Sebastian: "Oh turn it up Mum, William Shakespeare used
it.
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PRUNE PUDDING |
| Slices of buttered bread made into sandwiches with
mashed prunes. Half fill a pie dish with the prune sandwiches, make a custard
with 2 eggs and 2 cups of milk, flavoured with lemon essence. Pour over bread. Grate
nutmeg on top. Bake slowly till set. |
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BANANA AND CORN FLAKE BAKED DUMPLINGS |
| 6 bananas, 2 cups of corn flakes. Mash bananas, mix
with corn flakes, vanilla. Form into dumplings. Place in a pie dish. Mix I cup of milk with I beaten egg, sugar,
pour over dumplings. Dust with nutmeg. Bake till set in a moderate oven for about
half an hour. |
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DATE AND CARROT JAM |
| Take 3 lbs. dates. Stone and chop small. Peel 2 tbs.
carrots and put them through the mincer. Cook with three quarters of a pint
of water and 2 lbs. sugar. Boil 20 minutes. Add one-third of a teaspoon almond essence and simmer another 15 mutes. Pour off into jars, but do not cover until next day. |
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ANZACS |
| ¾ of a cup of sugar |
1 level teaspoon carbonate soda |
| 1 cup flour |
honey or golden syrup |
| ¼ lb. of butter |
2 tablespoons of boiling
water. |
| 2 cups rolled oats |
I tablespoon of treacle, |
| Melt butter and treacle together. Dissolve the soda in boiling water then add it to butter and treacle. In separate basin mix flour, oats and sugar and pour butter mixture over it. Mix altogether. Measure out into a dessertspoon, drop on to greased oven slide and cook slowly 20 minutes. Leave plenty of room as these biscuits spread. |
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POTATO AND LEMON SOUFFLÉ |
| Put 3 large boiled potatoes through a fine sieve and heat in saucepan with I cup of milk and 2 tablespoons of
butter. Beat till smooth and light (about five minutes), add a ¼ cup of sugar and grated rind of I lemon. Beat in
1 or 2 egg yolks. Fold in stiffly beaten whites, turn into a greased pie dish in which
1 tablespoon of jam is spread. Bake in a moderate oven till risen and lightly browned. |
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JAM DROPS |
| 3 oz. of butter |
¼ lb. sugar |
| ½ lb. of flour |
1 teaspoon baking powder |
| 2 eggs |
½ teaspoon of vanilla |
| Cream butter and sugar, add beaten eggs and vanilla. Sift in flour, baking powder and salt into stiff dough. Roll into small balls and put on greased tray. Press down with finger, fill with jam and bake in moderate oven until golden brown. |
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PINEAPPLE CHARLOTTE |
| 1 tin sliced pineapple |
½ oz. gelatine |
stale sponge cake |
| Line a basin or mould with cake. Drain the pineapple
from juice and arrange in the centre of the mould, keeping two pieces for decoration. Melt the gelatine in the
pineapple juice and pour over cake and fruit. When set turn out and decorate with cherries, pineapple and cream. |
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DATE PUDDING (no eggs) |
| 1
cup plain flour |
½ cup S.-R.
flour |
| ½
cup honey |
1½
tablespoons butter |
| 1cup dates |
½ cup milk |
| 1 teaspoon bi-carb
soda |
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| Mix butter and honey, then add the milk, fruit, etc., and steam in a basin for 2 hours. This is a big pudding, also a nice dark one, |
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FRIENDS |
- If nobody gave us a helping hand
- And nobody seemed to care,
- If the prizes of life all went to the strong
- and nobody gave us a share.
- If nobody had the time to give
- A thought to you and me
- And we had to struggle as best we could
- What a hopeless world 'twould be.
- Lending a hand to help the weak
- Can lighten another's load,
- Giving our best with a willing heart
- Can brighten a lonely road.
- 'Tis something to live for, someone to love
- That purpose in life depends,
- And there's nothing to equal the gladness and joy
- Of making and keeping friends!
M Bishop. |
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THE DREADED ALCOHOL |
Bill was feeling very ill one day at the office. He decided to pay a visit to the local doctor. After an intense
examination, the doctor retorted, "Well, Bill, I'm afraid I can't see too much wrong with you, but I think
that's mainly due to the drink".
"Alright, Doc," replied Bill, "I'll come back and see you when you're sober." |
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GOOD QUESTION |
| Doctor: "Now, Mr. Douglas, if there was anything wrong with your heart, would I risk giving you my bill?" |
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TO SOFTEN BOOT POLISH |
| When boot polish has become too hard, soften by heating, add a little vinegar and
stir.-Nutmeg. |
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IRONING |
| Put a sheet of newspaper between the ironing blankets;
this will keep the sheet firm and unwrinkled. Try it.
It's really good.--Cheerio, Toowoomba |
| TRACING PAPERS |
| Over a gentle heat mix I oz. of Canadian balsam and
one quarter pint of spirits of turpentine-, spread on good tissue paper with brush
thinly-Gilbert. |
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WINDSCREEN DRESSING |
This mixture is recommended for lessening the effects
of rain on a car windscreen:
| I oz. water. |
2 oz.
glycerine. |
I dram salt. |
Mix well. and wipe over windscreen.
--Sister Olive. |
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TO CLEAN A CARPET |
| Mix I teacup of ammonia and 1 teacup of turpentine in a bucket of hot water. Remove the dust from the carpet. Dip a cloth in the bucket, wring dry, and rub the carpet all over. It will remove all the dirt and grease
spots. M.C.L. |
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ROUGH HANDS |
| Mix together equal parts of glycerine and lemon juice. Keep in a bottle by the kitchen sink, and after having the hands wet, rub a little of the mixture into them while still slightly damp. The addition of equal part of Eau de Cologne gives this a nice
fragrance. -Lazy Daisy. |
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We Thank you for your patronage
and interest and wish you
GOOD LUCK and GOOD HEALTH |
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